Thursday, April 1, 2010

Where do you go?

To find the drive to do what needs to be done? To not fall to that weak side over and over again?
I can't find the right answers to these questions.
I am unhappy. With myself, my weight, and so much more. I was a good size when I was in high school. I never worried about what I ate. I was active and just had naturally good health. Then when I was 22 I had a reaction to some medicines I was taking. I ended up not being able to tolerate the medicine. After only 3 doses I was then sick for 3 days straight. I lost almost 10 pounds in those three days and after since it took a while to get my stomach in order to eat. I stayed that small for just under two years. I look at pictures of that time and never want to look like that again. I was waaay too small.
But I look at pictures now and am unhappy again. I have put on a great deal of weight. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel I am horribly fat, but I know I am not a healthy "for me" size. And the places where I carry my weight the most are the places that show signs of major health problems to come. So for my own safety I want to change this. I also want to change it because I know I will have more energy and struggle less with the moodiness I seem to have gained along with the weight.
But I just can't get the inspiration. I was doing great last spring and dropped 10 lbs. I have kept those 10 off but have only dropped about 3 more in the last year. I thought going back to work would help the pounds just start falling off. But this is proving wrong and one more sign I just am not that young anymore. I need to quit treating myself like I am and face the facts that my diet needs to change as well as my activity levels. But the sweets and sodas just tempt me way too much. And the only time to really exercise is early in the morning. But my time with my husband is often late at night and then it is so hard to pull myself out from bed. I know that by making the changes I need to will mean a long and HAPPIER life.
Again, I know I am not huge, but I know my body is not happy with the way it is and how I have treated it. I know that once I get going on a healthier life I will get into it and want to keep going, but I just can't fight the desire for the junk when I come around it. I don't agree with pulling it all together cause I know that is just setting me up for doom. I know just little changes here and there will make a big difference, but it is hard. Work plays a big part in it. My schedule changes daily. I often don't get to take a lunch break at a time when I am hungry and not about to pass out from starvation. This makes me rush to the fast ready junk.
I would love to pack my lunch, but I am limited on time and storage space at work. And I get bored with the same thing.
I just reread what I wrote and noticed I have "I know" a lot in here. So I need to prove how "I know". I also want to be an example for my daughter. My youngest seems to have put on a lot of weight as I have. I am hoping as I loose she will naturally take after me and loose too.
Thoughts ideas on what will give me that drive to finally start the turn around? Again, I know what I need to do, just how do I get myself to make the jump and do it?