The past day has been rough. I have gone back and forth with mourning my friend and with being in denial. He is buried here in FTW next to his brother. I plan to go visit him on Thursday, his birthday, in hopes of finding some peace and acceptance of all this. I am not a person who normally handles cemeteries very well, but I think this time I need it.
My husband has been fabulous. He knows that Blake was a special and true friend. The kind that is so very rare to find. So he has been fabulous at trying his best to give me what I need. A shoulder to cry on, understanding with my feelings, and trying his best to make me feel better but not forcing it on me. I'm so thankful he is not a jealous person. This is the first person I was very close to who has died since we have known eachother.
To better help everyone understand what a special person he was and to share the many, many memories we shared, I will do many posts on them. I need to write these down for my own sake. But since I'm not good journaling, I thought I would use this to help get it all down. Forgive me if the posts jump around in years, but as I've made notes on remembering what I want to put down, something else will pop in my head. I always thought it was odd how I remembered so many odd details from our friendship, but now I understand. It's a gift from God to help me though this time. Unfortunately these memories will stop at 5 years ago. Out of respect for my marriage and probably realization of the demands of being a wife and mother, Blake lessened our amount of contact. And with the demands of it all and never dreaming of anything like this, I put our friendship on hold too. I regret it and advise everyone to NEVER do something like that.
On to the memories:
Blake and I first met in first grade. As always, he was the super tall kid. He had a tendency to pull my pigtails when he walked by me. Well not "pull", but handle in one way or another. I did not have my first haircut till after 2nd grade, so obviously I had long hair at the time that was blond. And my mom always put it up. Often in braids or dog ear pony tails. Blake wasn't the only one who did it. And with so many doing it, I was constantly calling out to the teacher. I have always, always been a person who needs her personal space.
For Halloween at our school, we were not allowed to wear costumes. But we were allowed to wear face paint. I can't remember what my face was done up as, but I can remember his and his mom's. Some of the mom's took turns volunteering with listening to the kids read to them. Both of our mom's helped with this (my mom has many found memories of Blake too), and this was his mom's day again, so she joined in the festivities of face painting. I remember they had their whole face painted (I only had some small things on mine like hearts or something) in metallic colors. His was green and hers was gold. I was so fascinated with the colors, how fancy they were, and how perfectly done it was.
Ok, that's all for now. I have one more memory from 1st grade I want to share, but it includes a photo I would like to try and scan in before I post on it. My scanner isn't working, so I don't know if I will get it done soon or if I will just have to save it and do a post of pictures. These couple of memories don't really touch on what a great person he was, but they are some fun ones I've kept tucked way.
Thank you to those who have sent messages and for all the prayers. I know I haven't sat and prayed much myself yet. But like I said, I'm still facing a lot of denial. I know that God is next to me now, and He is who is giving me my strength.
If you can learn one thing from this, please let it be to never put a friendship aside for a more convenient time. I read and receive those forwards that say don't wait to tell someone how precious they are. I've always believed them, but never followed what they say the way I should. Now I truly know what it feels like when the chance is gone. I do believe that God has passed the message on to him that he was a special person to me, but I wish I could have done it while he was still here.
God Bless you, and keep you. And rely on Him no matter what you are going through.
*Update* Blake's family got my message today and contacted me immediately. For which I am very thankful. They were very upset for me for finding out about his passing in such an impersonal way. That is something that is in no way anyone but mine's fault. I am the one whoh allowed us to loose touch over the recent years. They said they had planned to have him placed next to his brother, but that was not able to happen. Instead he was placed in Bryan next to his grandfather who passed away this last February. I don't know that I will be able to, but my plan is to go to his gravesight this Sunday and then stop to visit with his family for a while. Please send out a prayer that I in no way reverse their healing process. Again I do not want to in any way bring more pain to his family. They are absolutely wonderful people who have suffered more than their fair share.