Where do you go?

To find the drive to do what needs to be done? To not fall to that weak side over and over again?
I can't find the right answers to these questions.
I am unhappy. With myself, my weight, and so much more. I was a good size when I was in high school. I never worried about what I ate. I was active and just had naturally good health. Then when I was 22 I had a reaction to some medicines I was taking. I ended up not being able to tolerate the medicine. After only 3 doses I was then sick for 3 days straight. I lost almost 10 pounds in those three days and after since it took a while to get my stomach in order to eat. I stayed that small for just under two years. I look at pictures of that time and never want to look like that again. I was waaay too small.
But I look at pictures now and am unhappy again. I have put on a great deal of weight. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel I am horribly fat, but I know I am not a healthy "for me" size. And the places where I carry my weight the most are the places that show signs of major health problems to come. So for my own safety I want to change this. I also want to change it because I know I will have more energy and struggle less with the moodiness I seem to have gained along with the weight.
But I just can't get the inspiration. I was doing great last spring and dropped 10 lbs. I have kept those 10 off but have only dropped about 3 more in the last year. I thought going back to work would help the pounds just start falling off. But this is proving wrong and one more sign I just am not that young anymore. I need to quit treating myself like I am and face the facts that my diet needs to change as well as my activity levels. But the sweets and sodas just tempt me way too much. And the only time to really exercise is early in the morning. But my time with my husband is often late at night and then it is so hard to pull myself out from bed. I know that by making the changes I need to will mean a long and HAPPIER life.
Again, I know I am not huge, but I know my body is not happy with the way it is and how I have treated it. I know that once I get going on a healthier life I will get into it and want to keep going, but I just can't fight the desire for the junk when I come around it. I don't agree with pulling it all together cause I know that is just setting me up for doom. I know just little changes here and there will make a big difference, but it is hard. Work plays a big part in it. My schedule changes daily. I often don't get to take a lunch break at a time when I am hungry and not about to pass out from starvation. This makes me rush to the fast ready junk.
I would love to pack my lunch, but I am limited on time and storage space at work. And I get bored with the same thing.
I just reread what I wrote and noticed I have "I know" a lot in here. So I need to prove how "I know". I also want to be an example for my daughter. My youngest seems to have put on a lot of weight as I have. I am hoping as I loose she will naturally take after me and loose too.
Thoughts ideas on what will give me that drive to finally start the turn around? Again, I know what I need to do, just how do I get myself to make the jump and do it?

My Charisse

My most awesome wonderful friend, Charisse, came to town this weekend. It has been almost a year since I have seen her. We have never gone this long without seeing each other. And normally our time is way longer, but she had to make a flying trip. And no matter the length of time with her I am thankful. We talk so often and she sends me photos so often I truly feel like we see each other way more often (did I use the word often enough?).
I have been friends with this lady since I was 12! I adore her! I never imagined I would have a friend like her. She is the friend you only read about in books. She tells it like it is. She tells me the truth and doesn't hold back. And it is always with love. My heart overflows for her.
She came for me and her other Texas friends and family to meet her true love, Jennifer. Jennifer turned Charisse's life upside down. Charisse never wanted to get married...until Jennifer. Charisse was done with having kids...until Jennifer.
I was very nervous to meet Jennifer. No one Charisse has dated has ever made her feel like Jennifer does. I have met almost all the people Charisse has had a true relationship with, and none had me worried like this. So much of how Charisse talks reminds me of how it was when I met my husband. Why was I so nervous? I don't know. But that went away about 2 seconds after they entered my house Saturday night. You can't help but adore her. And the happiness and love is obvious. I have never seen Charisse like this. No other guy or girl she has had feelings for has ever truly loved or cared for her the way Jennifer does. I am so very happy for her.


My Charisse and me

Charisse, Tina (My other wonderful best! I have never grown so close to someone as fast as I have her. She will have her own post of her fabulousness soon!), and Me

The new family: Jennifer, Charisse, and Charisse's daughter Lorelli (a little crabby to pose for so many pictures in one weekend. Oh how I love that little girl though)

Best Friends with the loves of their lives!

And a huge congratulations to the happy couple on their engagement!

Absolutely horrible lately!

For blog land. I have had wonderful comments to my posts from weeks ago, and I am just now getting to reading them.
And most horrified at my tardiness. One blog that I try to visit most often cause it is so enjoyable, (I love her pictures, and creativeness) is A Friend to Knit With. She recently had a giveaway and I put my name in. I then proceeded to get way too busy covering for all the sick people at work that I completely forfeited my time in blog land. So that included checking back on the drawing.
I finally stopped in and to my amazement, I was the first name drawn! Woohoo!!! I have never won a blog giveaway.
I would completely understand if my tardiness forced her to pick someone else. But no matter what I'm thrilled it happened. And will use this to learn to make time for blog land. Not just to keep from missing out on fabulous opportunities, but to keep from missing out on my cyber friends and this time that really does a lot for me. I never realized how important reading about the goings-on in friends and cyber friends truly was to me. I love to read, and this reading is fulfilling and touching to my soul!
Love all you lovely ladies!

Family Routine

I started thinking tonight about my family routine and the way we live. I see a ton of commercials lately on sitting down as a family at the dinner table. I grew up this way. My husband grew up this way. But when he became a single parent to two very young girls, his dinner routine changed. He began to allow them to all have dinner watching T.V. I can understand in some ways it's probably the only way he could get them to sit for a bit so he could get a moment to rest after a long day at work.
I have tried a few times to get us to have dinner as a family at the table. This has not worked due to 1) we are creatures of habit and it is hard to change 2) our dining room table just sucks and we really need to find a new one, but haven't gotten around to it.
We do sit at the table together when we have company over for dinner.
But with all this not "proper" family routine of pulling out our TV tables and eating in the living room watching T.V. I find comfort in it. We do often still talk during our dinner, and no one amazingly mindlessly eats. I am proud to say I feel comfortable with my family and know a good amount of what is going on in there lives. My girls are preteen and teen, so I would be crazy to think they told me EVERYTHING. But they are good kids. I see it in the daily choices they make. They can be aunory (I am sorry but I just can't think of anywhere near the right spelling of that word toinght), and I am still dealing with my youngest and her acting up every year at this time of year (will she EVER grow out of it?). And my oldest is more into her phone and music than her school work. But both are polite, don't fight with me, and share a great deal with me. They could both do better with their grades, but they are not bad and when pushed to work a little harder on a certain subject they do it.
In other words I am feeling warm and fuzzy about my family and the normalcy of our life even if it is not what is ideal for raising kids these days.

Peace

Today I have felt a major peace about me. Life has been very stressful for a few months now. And I know there will be plenty more of those, but today I feel good!

I know a lot of it has to do with the finding of my aunt. We are not able to have complete closure until (and there is huge hope that is to be an until and not an if) the person who took her from us is caught. But with the finding of her and saying goodbye, we do have some relief.

I also am back to being happier at work. Since she was found and I had to go into sudden planning for taking off from work for the service, there has been a lot of stress. And more on top when the date for the service changed. This time of year is CRAZY in a pharmacy, so my boss was stressed. But now that it is over and I am back, I could feel her relaxation again. I am still majorly learning things, so I don't think I'm a super strong tech yet. But I guess I am stronger than I thought for her to be so stressed at my being gone.

I also am enjoying time more dearly with my family again. And I am trying to make time for things I want to do. Such as creative things again. I have yet to get into much except reading a little here and there, but still it's a step.

With all this I just feel happy and had to share.

And since it's been so long since I've posted a picture, here is one of my and Larry on the way home after my aunt's service. You can tell there was relief from it all.

Since

The day after my last post my aunt was found. But it was only her shell. Her spirit is with our Lord. I have just returned from a 3 day (2 days of driving to and from) trip to Mississippi to celebrate her life. She was an absolutely wonderful woman and will GREATLY be missed. I am thankful we no longer have to sit in worry or wonder for where she is, but I do wish we still had time with her here on earth. She was taken from us too soon. We love you, Wenda. And we are so thankful that we were allowed to have you in our lives as our family!

For no good reason

I have been UBBER crabby lately. And my poor sweet husband has been the one to receive the crummy end of it all. I have picked super ridiculous arguments just for the sack of hearing my own gripy voice. I tell ya, that man must really love me cause he can wake up the next morning rushing off to work but making sure to stop back in the bedroom to tell me goodbye and love you. He then thinks of me at work and brings home surprises he finds that he knows will get me all excited.
I know what has me crabby is still no routine worked out and feeling overwhelmed with house work, work, and studying. Still happy to be working, but just got to bare down and figure a few things out.
Also we have been having illnesses running through the house. I had a stomach bug last week, and Larry has a nasty cold (at least hope it's just a cold). And neither one of us is getting much sleep.
Also another thing going on that I really should have stopped in sooner to mention, is my dad's sister is missing. She has not been heard from or seen at all since the start of 2010. We honestly don't know what could have happened to her or why. She is 70 year old woman who has very little to her name. We have heard various stories as to where she might be, but they all turned out false. I really don't want to get deep into the minimal details the police are willing to give us. I just ask for your prayers for my family and my aunt, Wenda Holling from Kiln, Mississippi. It is a small world due to internet, so please feel free to run a search for her to find all articles and news reports on her and help spread the word. We still have hope we may find her.